It has been more than 5 years since I had opened a popular psychology magazine. Most of what I’ve read over the past years has been academic and scientific journals. So when I took a break to read the magazine article about the contender syndrome, I didn’t know what to expect. It simply looked interesting. Abby Ellin’s article was not only interesting but also relevant to social media. I wanted to share her thoughts, part of its content, and my thoughts with you.
Have you ever heard of the contender syndrome?
People with the Contender Syndrome feel as if there is more residing in their inner self and so feel as if they’ve got more to give. Currently there is no clinical diagnosis attached to this common phenomenon which is filtering the minds of a lot of people.
It seems like a common occurrence mainly because our once tight and relatively immediate comparison group has expanded to include online social networking. In addition, the media bits that detail the lives of famous and not so famous people have filtered through and to us and now are sources of challenge or part of this comparison group.
Some people believe that happiness is externally based and springs forth from others. It’s perceived as coming from the interactions with our immediate comparison group. Today this group is bigger and so the people that we tend to compare our “self” to have a lot more. Therefore the benefit of an immediate group has for some people turned into a downright downer or punishment of sorts.
Human nature has a tendency for the most part to gauge all personal success against that of others. As a result, we always compare up. Unfortunately the American society with its ingrained striving drive tends to magnify this negative comparison habit. What that means is that if you can do things, you ‘should’ be doing those things to reach success. Some people perceive that there is nothing wrong with that last statement. For the people who have had a myriad of opportunities, it ends up tugging at your soul and you end up feeling awful about your ‘self.’
It’s all mindset. In the end the factor that combats negative comparison and ensures that success is attained is being self-referential.
Indeed, ultimately excellence in others can motivate us to go beyond our sense of possibility. And yes this observation creates a vicarious boost of positive energy. However it won’t help if we’re consumed in a vacuum of negative self-comparison that wards off these benefits. This explanation is one reason that I along with many other people have wavered or still waver between feeling a boost of inspiration and frenzied with gloom.
So then how do you ensure that you succeed when the world around you is literally your comparison group and your nature pushes you to gauge your actions based on their behavior?
It comes down to a sort of mindset transformation. Remaining “self-referential” is critical because it allows us to be inspired by others all the while keeping our eyes peeled on our goal. According to Abby Ellin, “Self-referential people see themselves as the marker. They care about their own performance not how they measure up compared to that guy over there. They don’t attach themselves to super successful people. [The beauty is that] they can get the boost, but they don’t see that person as a reference point or as a competitor because the only competitor is the self.”
Feelings of hopefulness are characteristic of self-referential people because their center of attention is their path and nobody else’s. So, nobody else’s path is perceived as better than their own. Therefore personal goals drive their effort, and they continuously revisit their goals whenever something tries to shift their focus.
So, if you are constantly flipping channels in your mental television from “I could of been a great writer” to “I coulda been an inspiring teacher” to “I could of been a great chef” then concentrate on the thoughts that really matter the most to you and that you can work on right now.
Let’s face it until you figure out how to use your comparison group to your advantage then none of those dreams are going to happen. First and foremost, determine what matters to you and laser focus your attention back to that fact and your goal(s), and finally away from what someone else is doing.
Being self-referential rather than feeling like a contender will help clear away some mental blocks and help move you along your path.
Go ahead leave your mark here…let me know how this information has helped you. How can you inspire other people using this information?
